Contribution from a friend - more wisdom from OldSchoolPlayer25

Thanks so much to my friend, OSP25, for another eloquent contribution!  Originally posted as a thread on blacktowhite.net

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An Essay on Words

Recently, one of the couples on BlacktoWhite (CuckoldCouple) posted a thread called Evocative Images. All the pics posted were of great quality showing Interracial couples in various stages of lovemaking and sex. One of the responders used the word ‘sluts’ in his response to the pics. It was inappropriate and reflected a limited view of women.

Black to White has been an interesting web site, and has started to evolve into something more then just amateur porn viewing and posting of pics. It appears to be actually growing up, in the sense that the thrust and general level of content and discourse has started to rise above the level of just so-called ‘trash talk’. 

Having been watching and reading the posts, I have come away impressed with the intelligence and awareness of the folks who are regulars on the site. In addition, one Member (Mariposa Blanca) has taken the time to start a blog for folks new to the lifestyle, and is trying to give them a comfort level above the more commercial porn sites. BtW is actually becoming adult. 

With that observation, I am wondering if it is time to think about modifying our language in the description of the women. We appear to have more women and couples who are joining and looking forward to interaction on an adult IR platform. I fully recognize that all of us come from different experiences, belief systems and backgrounds. The one constant is the fact that when a woman chooses to share her body with a man, whether he be Black or White or whatever, she has provided a gift to him that cannot be duplicated. 

The question being raised...is it time for the Brothers of Beta Beta Chi to modify their language on the public threads and forums and stop describing the women as ‘sluts’ , bitches, or cum buckets? This is not an effort to censor the trash talk done between a man and a woman who is chatting with him on the forum, but more to think twice in our descriptions of women who have various levels of interaction with IR and significant differences in how they share their gifts. Yes, there are women who enjoy the so-called “over the top” experience, and they have made that choice to explore their sexuality to the limit with numerous groups in various settings. There are others who are more conservative and wish to only share their gifts with one man or maybe a second. Lastly, there is the woman who, with her husband’s approval, shares her gifts willingly, but also on her terms and conditions. In no way should the men of Beta Beta Chi denigrate or degrade them in any way on the forums or threads. What is done between a BBC and the lady in private is their own form of play and no questions there.

So members, male and female, please feel free to comment or respond. The above essay is only being posed as a rhetorical question. As we grow in numbers and attract more adults and couples, which should be our goal, we might want to think about how we men of Beta Beta Chi are being perceived if the only form of communication we use is to refer to our female members or newbies as ‘sluts’ or bitches.

Through another's eyes

I did not grow up feeling that I was beautiful.  I didn't even feel I was pretty.  I grew up hearing stuff like "oh, if you only lost weight, you'd be pretty".  Well, by the time I lost weight, my self-image was pretty much ingrained in me.  Thinking of myself as pretty, or, God forbid, sexy, was something that didn't happen very often, even at the lower weight.

I felt lucky (and still do) to have met and attracted a wonderful guy who has loved me through all my various sizes.  But that, in itself, has its own pitfalls.  I know he loves me.  He tells me so.  He also tells me I'm beautiful, and still wolf whistles at me after all these years.  And part of me does truly believe him.  But part of me is also saying to that insecure little girl inside, "He only says that because he loves the inside you, your heart.  He doesn't see the outer packaging anymore."  And so, it has been very interesting, yet also somewhat overwhelming, to be told by other men, who are not emotionally invested in me, and are judging me strictly by that outward appearance, that I am not only reasonably attractive, but also sexy and, yes, I have even heard the word beautiful.  Oh, how I am trying to be able to see myself through their eyes, as well as the eyes of my loving hubby.

I have recently had a new guy come in to my life, and our connection on a casual basis has lead to us taking things further and connecting on a sexual basis.  Thus far, the guys I have wound up "exploring my naughty side" with have all been much younger than me and that has, at times, served simply to reinforce my feelings of inadequacy, shall we say.  This guy is closer to my age, and we have very similar outlooks on many things.  He also happens to write sexy blog entries about his encounters with the various women he has had "adventures" with.  And, yes, he did write about us getting together, in detail.  

I will admit to being very nervous about reading the entry, when he emailed me to tell me he had posted it.  I knew that he seemed to be relatively attracted to me, and he had seemed to enjoy our time together.  But, let's face it, what someone says and what they actually feel can often be two very different things, especially if they're trying to be kind to you.  (Can you tell that I've had a few situations where the guy wasn't exactly Scout's Honour honest with me?)  So, with a bit of trepidation, I clicked the link that would expose to me how he "really" felt about the time we spent together enjoying each other's bodies and company.  And I was incredibly reassured to read that all of the signals I was getting were exactly as they seemed to be.  He even called me "hot"!  :-)  And he wanted to be with me again.  It's really not that I didn't believe what he had told me verbally, but any seed of doubt was unequivocally erased by reading his version of our hours together.  How often do you have the luxury of reliving a shared sexual experience through your partner's perspective?  I have to say that it was a pretty wild experience ... Both times ;-)

Yes, we are getting together again, in a few weeks.  And yes, I will meet him this time with greater confidence than I had before.  And maybe, just maybe, I am that much closer to being able to actually see myself "through another's eyes".  (I know he will read this at some point, so "thank you"). ;-)

Faking it

Fakes, phonys and posers.  Every Internet forum has them.  Probably the interracial sites I have recently become acquainted with have more than their fair share of them.  White guys pretending to be hot, young black men.  Gay guys pretending to be hot young women.  Women, real ones, pretending to be younger or thinner than they really are.  All to get attention from a desired segment of the population.  I have nothing against white guys, black guys, gay or straight, young or old, or any other segment of the population. What I can't stand, though, is a liar.

I do not post a face pic of myself on the sites.  I need to maintain a certain amount of discretion, since many in society would not approve of, or understand, the arrangement my husband and I have, even though it really should be strictly between us and not for others to judge.  But it IS my real body on there, albeit rather scantily clad, cropped to not show my face.  I don't post a pic of a hot 20-year-old with a size 4 body.  Because that is not me.  The pic is of my own 46-year-old, far-from-skinny (although now, I am starting to be more inclined to say "voluptuous") body.  But it's MY body.

Some people hide behind a picture of someone else, for whatever reason.  In a way, I pity those people, as much as I can't stand their lies.  When I become friends with someone from one of the sites, I know that they see the real me.  If they like me, they like me for who I really am, in body, mind and spirit.  As is likely pretty obvious by now, if you've read any of my other blog entries, I shoot pretty straight.  I say what I mean and I mean what I say.  If I set up a meeting with a guy, and send him a face pic, he will immediately be able to recognize me when he walks in.  He will also know that any opinions expressed in communication we have had is really my opinion.  And I expect the same honesty in return.  If someone sends you a pic of a hot, young black man, and a 50-year-old white guy with a combover walks in to the coffee shop to meet you, that's going to be very disappointing.  Or, likewise, a guy thinks he's meeting a 25-year-old woman with a great body, and in walks a 50-year-old woman with 100 extra pounds, or, even worse, another guy.  If you happen to have spent a lot of time and money to meet, you will undoubtedly feel very betrayed.  I will NOT do that to someone, and don't want someone to do it to me.  It's not that there's something wrong with the "real" person as described above.  But it was "false advertising", so to speak.

The same goes for mind and spirit.  Just be yourself.  I would much rather have someone see the real me in my postings or comments and say "nah, we just don't see eye to eye", and pass on getting to know me further, than post stuff that is not really how I think and feel, and have someone like me for someone I really am not.

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.  If someone is lying, there will always be discrepancies that raise a red flag or several.  Sometimes, it's a false alarm and there is a perfectly logical explanation.  It does happen.  But if I know you're lying to me, and give you the chance to come clean, and you choose to continue the lies, then you will not get another chance.  Let me see the real you from the start, or else the "friend"ship will wind up sinking.

That said, do I show a different side of myself to the folks who know me from the site, or from my blog?  Yes, to a certain extent.  I think it would be safe to say that many of the friends I have from other parts of my life would never think I would be "the type" to be in an open relationship. A few of my friends know, but most don't.  Ultimately, though, the part of me that is my core shows through regardless of who I am communicating with.

As far as I'm concerned, it's just all about being honest about who you are.  By doing that, you will attract the people who will fit well into your life.  If you're not honest, then the fit won't be right.  It will be like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.  So to speak. ;-)

Contribution from a friend - 4chuen19zip

Many thanks to another one of my friends, D., on Black to White for her wonderful contribution!

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Hotwife in Training

Women who flirted around or slept with other men, who cheated or dressed too provocatively... well, I never had much respect for them.  I always felt they were insecure, that they needed the attention. They weren’t “respectable” women who got “honest” attention.  I didn’t need to go after it the way they did.  I didn’t like the ladies, dare I label them ladies (?), who walked in a room and gathered that kind of attention.  Now I see, I was just jealous.

So what am I now?  I AM that woman.  I DO sleep with other men.  I DO enjoy the attention my body, my body language or my sexiness attracts.  I DO gather attention by walking in the room. 

...but I still feel “respectable”.  I know as much as gaining attention by my body, I can back it up with my conversation skills, my caring eyes or a genuine smile. And most of all, I have the confidence to pull it off, because my husband and I have the openness and honesty in our marriage for me to not feel guilty about it. Rare is that gift to a woman to be able to carry herself in such a manner.  As Mari also has said, for this gift, this luxury, I feel thankful. 

I am a hotwife.  It feels empowering.  But as much as I love feeling sexy, I know who I am underneath.  I know me and know I am a good person.

But do I still feel insecurities, abso freaking lutely.  I am human.  What if my body isn’t that great?  What if I’m not that great of a lover?  How many better women has he had?  I fear rejection as much as the next person.  I crave praise or compliments as much as anyone.

About 6 months ago, my loving husband of 18 years, approached me with his fantasy.  He approached me with love, and he approached me with information. He made sexy slide shows and letters, we made a blog to share with each other, to express our “us” moments and our “bbc” desires.  We explored the possibility of the lifestyle TOGETHER... as we do everything in life. 

I had honestly never thought of being with another man, as I had all I ever needed or wanted.  And I especially had never thought of a black man, probably more due to upbringing and social surroundings than anything.  I was raised in a “this is how things are done and not done” household.  I was also raised in an area where black boys calling white girls just was not done.  I was raised to be a “good girl”, which I did to the T... until a few months ago.

However, my husband and I veered from the path of our upbringing, ventured open eyes into the big world and always saw no color in a person, but character. 

Wow.  Did he really just suggest to me that I should... that I COULD... that he would LIKE... that he would be TURNED ON... did I already say that I COULD (?)... have his PERMISSION to have sex with a black man?  Holy cow.  Wow.  Wow. Digest this, woman.

He did.  But it had to be black men.

We laid out ground rules and knew they would get adjusted.  The biggest factor was for this bbc to offer me something different, something other than what my husband could provide.  While we knew there would be a friendship and a mental connection, and needed to be, we did not want to, in any way, replace what my husband and I were as partners.  We had to keep the mental part in check.  Our sexual relationship at home is fireworks, but he knew having another man touch me, that teenager feeling, the endorphins, the lust, would be a new feeling.  He also knew this lust would exude into my daily life and boost my confidence.  And it did, it does.  We also were both strong in the idea that if it didn’t work, for EITHER of us, it ceased. 

For months, we discussed this fantasy. He would send me websites and testimonials, I would ask questions, he would ask questions, we would discuss our most heartfelt feelings and fears for where this could lead.  How would we juggle it, how would it make us feel? ... the good, the bad and the ugly.  We communicated, and we grew.  And finally we reached a point that we felt there was no more discussing, we each felt content with where conversation had gotten us. We felt unbelievably secure in our endeavor and were ready to move forward.  We felt amazingly close as a couple.

And yes, we felt hot and horny enough about the idea to want to try things out. Though I say we saw no color in people, we both now knew the thought of white skin against black skin was erotic and beautiful.  We wanted to see it in person. I wanted to feel, smell, kiss, taste a black man against my body.  I had glimpses of a confident me in my mind, but knew a smooth black man whispering sexy sounds in my ear would have me weak in the knees.  My husband remained the only white man to hold my attention, while my head turned at every black man to cross my path. 

And so we have “gotten our feet wet”, so to speak.  We have had great moments and a handful of not so great moments. But we have communicated every step of the way.  Baby steps.  We find a lot of enjoyment in the new component of our relationship.  He sees me as the sexy wife HE always knew I was, but that I had to dig down to release.  And I see me as that now too.  He loves that I trusted him enough to try out his fantasy.  And I love that he trusted me enough to confess it to me.  We have enjoyed the company of other men and now a regular bull/friend, who have given us the opportunity to explore our sexuality and enhance a marriage that I didn’t even think was able to grow any broader.  To say I feel fulfilled... well, it is such an understatement. 

So yes, I’ll walk in that room and hold my head high when I turn heads.  I may not be a model, but I have confidence in my step, and a man who loves ALL of me on my arm.  And I may walk out of the room with two men on my arms, one lovely white and one beautifully black, and that’d be just dandy too!

Wishing you all luck in this endeavor.  It’s not for everyone.  But it’s great for some!
Communication and baby steps!

A Unique Relationship

There is a young man in my life who is very special to me.  Yesterday reminded me that the feeling is mutual.

We met about 7 years ago.  He was on staff at the resort I frequently go to, my paradise.  He is very young, much younger than me, but flirted with me constantly, telling me I needed a Dominican boyfriend.  He knew I was married.  That doesn't seem to matter much there, though.

I told him no, but he kept flirting.  Even once things opened up with my husband, we kept going back and forth on whether or not something would happen between us.  At one point or another, we had each worried that adding a physical aspect to our friendship would damage the friendship.  Let's face it, adding sex into the mix changes the dynamic.  Those times never happened simultaneously, though, so it took several years before anything actually did happen.

We only got together once, and his work schedule is so crazy that it's amazing it happened at all.  It was pretty quick, as it took place during a break in his workday (he snuck up to my room), but it was still good.  And the best part is that it didn't affect the base of our friendship, or the deep affection we have for each other, like we had worried it might.  I do think we're better as friends than lovers, to be honest, though, especially now that I know he is in a serious relationship.  Which brings me to yesterday...

We are linked up on one of the messaging apps, since just very recently, and can now stay in touch much more easily. I was always very aware of the cost to him when he would message me the normal way.  But now, that's not an issue.

Anyway, out of the blue, I get a message from him telling me that he's a daddy to a new baby boy, born just 2 hours prior.  Even sent me a picture - and he's a real little sweetie.  Since my friend's dad passed away fairly recently, this will bring a real light to his life.

It warms my heart that the affection is so obviously there on both sides, that he would share both the happy and sad news of his life with me, so far away, knowing without question or doubt that I would share both his joy and his sorrow through our friendship.  That is why I say that this has turned out to be a very mature, and special, relationship.  We may never wind up being together again sexually, but we have enough affection, and respect, for each other to make this a unique relationship that works for us.  It is one that will last for many years, I believe.

Being true friends with a former lover ... A very mature, and special, relationship.  In my opinion.

A wonderful gift

I have no idea where this entry will ultimately end up going, so I will just follow my heart and let it go where it wants.

Although this will probably sound very naive, I had always believed that I would have one sexual partner my entire life.  I didn't date much throughout high school and university, and that was for several reasons, concentration on school and lack of self-confidence brought on by being overweight among them.  I was also raised to believe that you should wait for marriage to have sex, and that was that.  Well, I didn't wind up doing that, but I did wait until I was 26 to find the man who would become my first lover and, ultimately, my husband a few years later.  And I only took that step when I felt reasonably sure that we had a committed relationship. 

To give some background, I have struggled with my weight my whole life, which affected my self-confidence greatly.  Though I ultimately take full responsibility for controlling (or not controlling) my eating habits and activity level, I strongly believe that my weight gain was precipitated, at least in part, by several incidents of inappropriate touching by my  former step-father starting when I was five.  Because of that, I developed a real distrust of the male species.  My husband had quite a few walls to break down before I would let him get close to me, especially emotionally.  I pretty much threw issues out there that would be either make or break, one of the biggest ones being a diagnosis shortly before we met that would result in me never being able to have children.  He handled it all like a champ, and I let down my well-fortified guard and fell in love.  We wound up marrying just a few years later.

Fast forward about a decade.  I was now in my early forties, had lost around 100 lbs, and my self-confidence was soaring.  I was on vacation in paradise with a girlfriend of mine, at a place I had stayed before.  One of the staff that I was already friends with had been flirting with me very heavily, and had made it very obvious that he wanted to sleep with me.  One night, very late, he had closed the bar, and he and I were just sitting around chatting.  He started holding my hand, stroking my hair and kissing me.  He's a good kisser, I must say, so I was enjoying, or at least part of me was.  The other part of me was feeling incredibly guilty.  He said he wanted to make love to me, that life was too short not to be lived fully.  I was tempted, God, was I tempted!  I was feeling at the time that, despite my husband still telling me he loved me and that he found me beautiful, that he wasn't really seeing the outside me anymore, after all the years of marriage.  He would have loved me if I got disfigured in an accident, or if anything else happened to change my physical appearance.  He looked at me, but saw the inner me that he had always loved.  Normally, this would be an ideal situation, but it wasnt what I needed at that time.  Having someone else come on to me, so hot and heavy, was thrilling, and sent my self-confidence through the roof.  But, ultimately, I decided to leave it at the kisses we shared, knowing that I simply couldn't live with the guilt I would feel if I cheated on my husband. So, I went home, remaining friends with the guy who had kissed me and ignited a fire by doing so.

A few weeks later, I was still thinking about the kisses, and the guy as well.  Having only ever been with my husband, there was a definite curiosity about what it would feel like to be with someone else, someone who didn't have the history with me that hubby did.  So, being the upfront type of person I am, I gathered my courage and told my husband everything that had happened, and what could have happened, and all of my crazy, mixed up feelings about it all.  Mostly, I was feeling guilty.  Even though it was just some kisses, I felt as guilty as if I had actually slept with the other guy.  I was nervous, wondering what his reaction would be.  Would this put an irreparable chink in our marriage?  

His reaction totally amazed me.  He understood why I was curious, and basically told me that he would not have stopped loving me if something had happened, that he would actually have been okay with it. That conversation opened up lines of communication between us that we had never had before.  It was, to be honest, an amazing feeling, and one that rejuvenated our marriage.  This continues, even to this day. 

The next time I went to my vacation spot, I went knowing that I didn't have to say no anymore.  And I didn't.  And as I was waiting for my "Latin lover" to meet me to share that first night together, I messaged my husband to let him know that it would be happening.  I was so thankful for the incredible gift he had given me of being able to explore my curiosity without guilt.  Yes, fine, I am a grown woman, able to make her own decisions, and I could quite easily have taken the path of many other married people and just done it behind his back.  But, knowing me, I would have been wracked with guilt, and the whole thing probably would have wound up with our marriage ending in divorce.  That guilt would have been the underlying factor in every interaction between us, and it would have eaten away at everything we had.

My husband's easygoing attitude about my "exploring", allowing me to do so without guilt, has truly been an incredible gift.  Not all of the experiences I have had since we opened things up have been wonderful.  But I feel like I'm becoming more confident, and learning more about myself as a sexual woman, with each experience that has happened.  And I make sure that I share that newfound confidence with the man who loved his butterfly enough to let her fly free, with the utmost faith that she would only be flying away temporarily, and would be coming back to him a stronger, more vibrant woman.

Contribution from a friend - Virginia Knight

Thanks so much, Virginia, for your heartfelt contribution!

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“Am I BBC Worthy?"

This is a question frequently asked throughout the forums on Blacktowhite.

Although the feeling of self worth should come from within, we are all the products of the environment we grew up in. From a very young age we learn to base our own self worth on the feelings of others.

Growing up, I received very little positive feedback from my mother. She, herself, lacked self esteem and was always negative and critical towards us. Consequently, I became a very shy, insecure child lacking in self esteem.

At 14, I met my first husband and started life on my own. I spent the next 16 years in a loveless marriage trying to be the “good little wife”.  Ours was never a good relationship, but it was all I ever knew. As hard as leaving was, staying was slowly killing me inside.

Turns out it was the best thing I ever did in my life. It gave me the opportunity to meet my (present) hubby. He is an absolutely amazing guy. Even after all these years, there isn’t a day that goes by that he doesn’t let me know how beautiful, sexy and loved I really am.

In the beginning, it was very hard for me to accept his compliments, but over the years they are something I have really grown to love and eventually believe. I know that no matter what I do in life, including my black friends, I have a loving man standing right there beside me.

No, my hubby is not your stereotypical “little dicked, wimp cuckboi” whom I enjoy humiliating. On the contrary, he is a strong, secure, loving man who has my utmost respect. It is through his love, support and understanding that I have become the Strong, Secure woman that I am today, and I can proudly say:

“Yes, I am BBC Worthy

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Virginia Knight

xoxoxo

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Virginia Knight

xoxoxo