Through another's eyes

I did not grow up feeling that I was beautiful.  I didn't even feel I was pretty.  I grew up hearing stuff like "oh, if you only lost weight, you'd be pretty".  Well, by the time I lost weight, my self-image was pretty much ingrained in me.  Thinking of myself as pretty, or, God forbid, sexy, was something that didn't happen very often, even at the lower weight.

I felt lucky (and still do) to have met and attracted a wonderful guy who has loved me through all my various sizes.  But that, in itself, has its own pitfalls.  I know he loves me.  He tells me so.  He also tells me I'm beautiful, and still wolf whistles at me after all these years.  And part of me does truly believe him.  But part of me is also saying to that insecure little girl inside, "He only says that because he loves the inside you, your heart.  He doesn't see the outer packaging anymore."  And so, it has been very interesting, yet also somewhat overwhelming, to be told by other men, who are not emotionally invested in me, and are judging me strictly by that outward appearance, that I am not only reasonably attractive, but also sexy and, yes, I have even heard the word beautiful.  Oh, how I am trying to be able to see myself through their eyes, as well as the eyes of my loving hubby.

I have recently had a new guy come in to my life, and our connection on a casual basis has lead to us taking things further and connecting on a sexual basis.  Thus far, the guys I have wound up "exploring my naughty side" with have all been much younger than me and that has, at times, served simply to reinforce my feelings of inadequacy, shall we say.  This guy is closer to my age, and we have very similar outlooks on many things.  He also happens to write sexy blog entries about his encounters with the various women he has had "adventures" with.  And, yes, he did write about us getting together, in detail.  

I will admit to being very nervous about reading the entry, when he emailed me to tell me he had posted it.  I knew that he seemed to be relatively attracted to me, and he had seemed to enjoy our time together.  But, let's face it, what someone says and what they actually feel can often be two very different things, especially if they're trying to be kind to you.  (Can you tell that I've had a few situations where the guy wasn't exactly Scout's Honour honest with me?)  So, with a bit of trepidation, I clicked the link that would expose to me how he "really" felt about the time we spent together enjoying each other's bodies and company.  And I was incredibly reassured to read that all of the signals I was getting were exactly as they seemed to be.  He even called me "hot"!  :-)  And he wanted to be with me again.  It's really not that I didn't believe what he had told me verbally, but any seed of doubt was unequivocally erased by reading his version of our hours together.  How often do you have the luxury of reliving a shared sexual experience through your partner's perspective?  I have to say that it was a pretty wild experience ... Both times ;-)

Yes, we are getting together again, in a few weeks.  And yes, I will meet him this time with greater confidence than I had before.  And maybe, just maybe, I am that much closer to being able to actually see myself "through another's eyes".  (I know he will read this at some point, so "thank you"). ;-)

Faking it

Fakes, phonys and posers.  Every Internet forum has them.  Probably the interracial sites I have recently become acquainted with have more than their fair share of them.  White guys pretending to be hot, young black men.  Gay guys pretending to be hot young women.  Women, real ones, pretending to be younger or thinner than they really are.  All to get attention from a desired segment of the population.  I have nothing against white guys, black guys, gay or straight, young or old, or any other segment of the population. What I can't stand, though, is a liar.

I do not post a face pic of myself on the sites.  I need to maintain a certain amount of discretion, since many in society would not approve of, or understand, the arrangement my husband and I have, even though it really should be strictly between us and not for others to judge.  But it IS my real body on there, albeit rather scantily clad, cropped to not show my face.  I don't post a pic of a hot 20-year-old with a size 4 body.  Because that is not me.  The pic is of my own 46-year-old, far-from-skinny (although now, I am starting to be more inclined to say "voluptuous") body.  But it's MY body.

Some people hide behind a picture of someone else, for whatever reason.  In a way, I pity those people, as much as I can't stand their lies.  When I become friends with someone from one of the sites, I know that they see the real me.  If they like me, they like me for who I really am, in body, mind and spirit.  As is likely pretty obvious by now, if you've read any of my other blog entries, I shoot pretty straight.  I say what I mean and I mean what I say.  If I set up a meeting with a guy, and send him a face pic, he will immediately be able to recognize me when he walks in.  He will also know that any opinions expressed in communication we have had is really my opinion.  And I expect the same honesty in return.  If someone sends you a pic of a hot, young black man, and a 50-year-old white guy with a combover walks in to the coffee shop to meet you, that's going to be very disappointing.  Or, likewise, a guy thinks he's meeting a 25-year-old woman with a great body, and in walks a 50-year-old woman with 100 extra pounds, or, even worse, another guy.  If you happen to have spent a lot of time and money to meet, you will undoubtedly feel very betrayed.  I will NOT do that to someone, and don't want someone to do it to me.  It's not that there's something wrong with the "real" person as described above.  But it was "false advertising", so to speak.

The same goes for mind and spirit.  Just be yourself.  I would much rather have someone see the real me in my postings or comments and say "nah, we just don't see eye to eye", and pass on getting to know me further, than post stuff that is not really how I think and feel, and have someone like me for someone I really am not.

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.  If someone is lying, there will always be discrepancies that raise a red flag or several.  Sometimes, it's a false alarm and there is a perfectly logical explanation.  It does happen.  But if I know you're lying to me, and give you the chance to come clean, and you choose to continue the lies, then you will not get another chance.  Let me see the real you from the start, or else the "friend"ship will wind up sinking.

That said, do I show a different side of myself to the folks who know me from the site, or from my blog?  Yes, to a certain extent.  I think it would be safe to say that many of the friends I have from other parts of my life would never think I would be "the type" to be in an open relationship. A few of my friends know, but most don't.  Ultimately, though, the part of me that is my core shows through regardless of who I am communicating with.

As far as I'm concerned, it's just all about being honest about who you are.  By doing that, you will attract the people who will fit well into your life.  If you're not honest, then the fit won't be right.  It will be like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.  So to speak. ;-)

Contribution from a friend - 4chuen19zip

Many thanks to another one of my friends, D., on Black to White for her wonderful contribution!

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Hotwife in Training

Women who flirted around or slept with other men, who cheated or dressed too provocatively... well, I never had much respect for them.  I always felt they were insecure, that they needed the attention. They weren’t “respectable” women who got “honest” attention.  I didn’t need to go after it the way they did.  I didn’t like the ladies, dare I label them ladies (?), who walked in a room and gathered that kind of attention.  Now I see, I was just jealous.

So what am I now?  I AM that woman.  I DO sleep with other men.  I DO enjoy the attention my body, my body language or my sexiness attracts.  I DO gather attention by walking in the room. 

...but I still feel “respectable”.  I know as much as gaining attention by my body, I can back it up with my conversation skills, my caring eyes or a genuine smile. And most of all, I have the confidence to pull it off, because my husband and I have the openness and honesty in our marriage for me to not feel guilty about it. Rare is that gift to a woman to be able to carry herself in such a manner.  As Mari also has said, for this gift, this luxury, I feel thankful. 

I am a hotwife.  It feels empowering.  But as much as I love feeling sexy, I know who I am underneath.  I know me and know I am a good person.

But do I still feel insecurities, abso freaking lutely.  I am human.  What if my body isn’t that great?  What if I’m not that great of a lover?  How many better women has he had?  I fear rejection as much as the next person.  I crave praise or compliments as much as anyone.

About 6 months ago, my loving husband of 18 years, approached me with his fantasy.  He approached me with love, and he approached me with information. He made sexy slide shows and letters, we made a blog to share with each other, to express our “us” moments and our “bbc” desires.  We explored the possibility of the lifestyle TOGETHER... as we do everything in life. 

I had honestly never thought of being with another man, as I had all I ever needed or wanted.  And I especially had never thought of a black man, probably more due to upbringing and social surroundings than anything.  I was raised in a “this is how things are done and not done” household.  I was also raised in an area where black boys calling white girls just was not done.  I was raised to be a “good girl”, which I did to the T... until a few months ago.

However, my husband and I veered from the path of our upbringing, ventured open eyes into the big world and always saw no color in a person, but character. 

Wow.  Did he really just suggest to me that I should... that I COULD... that he would LIKE... that he would be TURNED ON... did I already say that I COULD (?)... have his PERMISSION to have sex with a black man?  Holy cow.  Wow.  Wow. Digest this, woman.

He did.  But it had to be black men.

We laid out ground rules and knew they would get adjusted.  The biggest factor was for this bbc to offer me something different, something other than what my husband could provide.  While we knew there would be a friendship and a mental connection, and needed to be, we did not want to, in any way, replace what my husband and I were as partners.  We had to keep the mental part in check.  Our sexual relationship at home is fireworks, but he knew having another man touch me, that teenager feeling, the endorphins, the lust, would be a new feeling.  He also knew this lust would exude into my daily life and boost my confidence.  And it did, it does.  We also were both strong in the idea that if it didn’t work, for EITHER of us, it ceased. 

For months, we discussed this fantasy. He would send me websites and testimonials, I would ask questions, he would ask questions, we would discuss our most heartfelt feelings and fears for where this could lead.  How would we juggle it, how would it make us feel? ... the good, the bad and the ugly.  We communicated, and we grew.  And finally we reached a point that we felt there was no more discussing, we each felt content with where conversation had gotten us. We felt unbelievably secure in our endeavor and were ready to move forward.  We felt amazingly close as a couple.

And yes, we felt hot and horny enough about the idea to want to try things out. Though I say we saw no color in people, we both now knew the thought of white skin against black skin was erotic and beautiful.  We wanted to see it in person. I wanted to feel, smell, kiss, taste a black man against my body.  I had glimpses of a confident me in my mind, but knew a smooth black man whispering sexy sounds in my ear would have me weak in the knees.  My husband remained the only white man to hold my attention, while my head turned at every black man to cross my path. 

And so we have “gotten our feet wet”, so to speak.  We have had great moments and a handful of not so great moments. But we have communicated every step of the way.  Baby steps.  We find a lot of enjoyment in the new component of our relationship.  He sees me as the sexy wife HE always knew I was, but that I had to dig down to release.  And I see me as that now too.  He loves that I trusted him enough to try out his fantasy.  And I love that he trusted me enough to confess it to me.  We have enjoyed the company of other men and now a regular bull/friend, who have given us the opportunity to explore our sexuality and enhance a marriage that I didn’t even think was able to grow any broader.  To say I feel fulfilled... well, it is such an understatement. 

So yes, I’ll walk in that room and hold my head high when I turn heads.  I may not be a model, but I have confidence in my step, and a man who loves ALL of me on my arm.  And I may walk out of the room with two men on my arms, one lovely white and one beautifully black, and that’d be just dandy too!

Wishing you all luck in this endeavor.  It’s not for everyone.  But it’s great for some!
Communication and baby steps!

A Unique Relationship

There is a young man in my life who is very special to me.  Yesterday reminded me that the feeling is mutual.

We met about 7 years ago.  He was on staff at the resort I frequently go to, my paradise.  He is very young, much younger than me, but flirted with me constantly, telling me I needed a Dominican boyfriend.  He knew I was married.  That doesn't seem to matter much there, though.

I told him no, but he kept flirting.  Even once things opened up with my husband, we kept going back and forth on whether or not something would happen between us.  At one point or another, we had each worried that adding a physical aspect to our friendship would damage the friendship.  Let's face it, adding sex into the mix changes the dynamic.  Those times never happened simultaneously, though, so it took several years before anything actually did happen.

We only got together once, and his work schedule is so crazy that it's amazing it happened at all.  It was pretty quick, as it took place during a break in his workday (he snuck up to my room), but it was still good.  And the best part is that it didn't affect the base of our friendship, or the deep affection we have for each other, like we had worried it might.  I do think we're better as friends than lovers, to be honest, though, especially now that I know he is in a serious relationship.  Which brings me to yesterday...

We are linked up on one of the messaging apps, since just very recently, and can now stay in touch much more easily. I was always very aware of the cost to him when he would message me the normal way.  But now, that's not an issue.

Anyway, out of the blue, I get a message from him telling me that he's a daddy to a new baby boy, born just 2 hours prior.  Even sent me a picture - and he's a real little sweetie.  Since my friend's dad passed away fairly recently, this will bring a real light to his life.

It warms my heart that the affection is so obviously there on both sides, that he would share both the happy and sad news of his life with me, so far away, knowing without question or doubt that I would share both his joy and his sorrow through our friendship.  That is why I say that this has turned out to be a very mature, and special, relationship.  We may never wind up being together again sexually, but we have enough affection, and respect, for each other to make this a unique relationship that works for us.  It is one that will last for many years, I believe.

Being true friends with a former lover ... A very mature, and special, relationship.  In my opinion.

A wonderful gift

I have no idea where this entry will ultimately end up going, so I will just follow my heart and let it go where it wants.

Although this will probably sound very naive, I had always believed that I would have one sexual partner my entire life.  I didn't date much throughout high school and university, and that was for several reasons, concentration on school and lack of self-confidence brought on by being overweight among them.  I was also raised to believe that you should wait for marriage to have sex, and that was that.  Well, I didn't wind up doing that, but I did wait until I was 26 to find the man who would become my first lover and, ultimately, my husband a few years later.  And I only took that step when I felt reasonably sure that we had a committed relationship. 

To give some background, I have struggled with my weight my whole life, which affected my self-confidence greatly.  Though I ultimately take full responsibility for controlling (or not controlling) my eating habits and activity level, I strongly believe that my weight gain was precipitated, at least in part, by several incidents of inappropriate touching by my  former step-father starting when I was five.  Because of that, I developed a real distrust of the male species.  My husband had quite a few walls to break down before I would let him get close to me, especially emotionally.  I pretty much threw issues out there that would be either make or break, one of the biggest ones being a diagnosis shortly before we met that would result in me never being able to have children.  He handled it all like a champ, and I let down my well-fortified guard and fell in love.  We wound up marrying just a few years later.

Fast forward about a decade.  I was now in my early forties, had lost around 100 lbs, and my self-confidence was soaring.  I was on vacation in paradise with a girlfriend of mine, at a place I had stayed before.  One of the staff that I was already friends with had been flirting with me very heavily, and had made it very obvious that he wanted to sleep with me.  One night, very late, he had closed the bar, and he and I were just sitting around chatting.  He started holding my hand, stroking my hair and kissing me.  He's a good kisser, I must say, so I was enjoying, or at least part of me was.  The other part of me was feeling incredibly guilty.  He said he wanted to make love to me, that life was too short not to be lived fully.  I was tempted, God, was I tempted!  I was feeling at the time that, despite my husband still telling me he loved me and that he found me beautiful, that he wasn't really seeing the outside me anymore, after all the years of marriage.  He would have loved me if I got disfigured in an accident, or if anything else happened to change my physical appearance.  He looked at me, but saw the inner me that he had always loved.  Normally, this would be an ideal situation, but it wasnt what I needed at that time.  Having someone else come on to me, so hot and heavy, was thrilling, and sent my self-confidence through the roof.  But, ultimately, I decided to leave it at the kisses we shared, knowing that I simply couldn't live with the guilt I would feel if I cheated on my husband. So, I went home, remaining friends with the guy who had kissed me and ignited a fire by doing so.

A few weeks later, I was still thinking about the kisses, and the guy as well.  Having only ever been with my husband, there was a definite curiosity about what it would feel like to be with someone else, someone who didn't have the history with me that hubby did.  So, being the upfront type of person I am, I gathered my courage and told my husband everything that had happened, and what could have happened, and all of my crazy, mixed up feelings about it all.  Mostly, I was feeling guilty.  Even though it was just some kisses, I felt as guilty as if I had actually slept with the other guy.  I was nervous, wondering what his reaction would be.  Would this put an irreparable chink in our marriage?  

His reaction totally amazed me.  He understood why I was curious, and basically told me that he would not have stopped loving me if something had happened, that he would actually have been okay with it. That conversation opened up lines of communication between us that we had never had before.  It was, to be honest, an amazing feeling, and one that rejuvenated our marriage.  This continues, even to this day. 

The next time I went to my vacation spot, I went knowing that I didn't have to say no anymore.  And I didn't.  And as I was waiting for my "Latin lover" to meet me to share that first night together, I messaged my husband to let him know that it would be happening.  I was so thankful for the incredible gift he had given me of being able to explore my curiosity without guilt.  Yes, fine, I am a grown woman, able to make her own decisions, and I could quite easily have taken the path of many other married people and just done it behind his back.  But, knowing me, I would have been wracked with guilt, and the whole thing probably would have wound up with our marriage ending in divorce.  That guilt would have been the underlying factor in every interaction between us, and it would have eaten away at everything we had.

My husband's easygoing attitude about my "exploring", allowing me to do so without guilt, has truly been an incredible gift.  Not all of the experiences I have had since we opened things up have been wonderful.  But I feel like I'm becoming more confident, and learning more about myself as a sexual woman, with each experience that has happened.  And I make sure that I share that newfound confidence with the man who loved his butterfly enough to let her fly free, with the utmost faith that she would only be flying away temporarily, and would be coming back to him a stronger, more vibrant woman.

Contribution from a friend - Virginia Knight

Thanks so much, Virginia, for your heartfelt contribution!

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“Am I BBC Worthy?"

This is a question frequently asked throughout the forums on Blacktowhite.

Although the feeling of self worth should come from within, we are all the products of the environment we grew up in. From a very young age we learn to base our own self worth on the feelings of others.

Growing up, I received very little positive feedback from my mother. She, herself, lacked self esteem and was always negative and critical towards us. Consequently, I became a very shy, insecure child lacking in self esteem.

At 14, I met my first husband and started life on my own. I spent the next 16 years in a loveless marriage trying to be the “good little wife”.  Ours was never a good relationship, but it was all I ever knew. As hard as leaving was, staying was slowly killing me inside.

Turns out it was the best thing I ever did in my life. It gave me the opportunity to meet my (present) hubby. He is an absolutely amazing guy. Even after all these years, there isn’t a day that goes by that he doesn’t let me know how beautiful, sexy and loved I really am.

In the beginning, it was very hard for me to accept his compliments, but over the years they are something I have really grown to love and eventually believe. I know that no matter what I do in life, including my black friends, I have a loving man standing right there beside me.

No, my hubby is not your stereotypical “little dicked, wimp cuckboi” whom I enjoy humiliating. On the contrary, he is a strong, secure, loving man who has my utmost respect. It is through his love, support and understanding that I have become the Strong, Secure woman that I am today, and I can proudly say:

“Yes, I am BBC Worthy

--

Virginia Knight

xoxoxo

-- 

Virginia Knight

xoxoxo

 

 

A girl and her toys (sex toys, that is)

As mentioned in previous postings, I did not grow up with an open attitude toward sex, far from it.  So, when the girls at work suggested (ok, insisted) that I go to a "sex shop" in preparation for our honeymoon, I felt really uncomfortable.  I felt even more uncomfortable when I was in there.  I couldn't get out of there fast enough, after paying for some body oil I managed to find in the excruciating few minutes I was there.

Fast forward almost twenty years later, and hubby and I are walking into a similar store, and checking out items like vibrators, BBC dildos and stretchy cock rings with little nubby things on them to increase clitoral stimulation.  Who'd have guessed?  Certainly not me.

I will say straight out that my preference is to play with my partner's body, be it my husband or a lover.  Whether toys are involved or not, I much prefer having another body there with me.  On the odd occasion I've used the toys on my own, I have found pleasure to be mostly empty, to be totally honest. I will sometimes use them before hubby gets home, so I am in the mood and ready, but in that case, they're more a means to an end.

It was actually my darling hubby who bought me my 8" BBC dildo, that we jokingly call "Richard", as a surprise.  We had already opened up our relationship at that point, so it was a pleasant surprise rather than an outright shock.  One of the folks on blacktowhite.net had posted a suggestion of soaking it in warm water before, which does tend to make a difference, as it's more pliable.

This has now become a fun part of playtime with hubby.  He loves to use his mouth and fingers on me, and does that to warm me up and get me ready to have the dildo inside me comfortably.  Several people on the site ask for advice about using BBC dildos on their lady to get them into the idea of having a real BBC inside them.  My best piece of advice is to get the woman really super-lubricated, naturally (ie her own lubrication, not something from a tube), BEFORE you try and insert it. If you try and insert it before she's well and truly ready, it WILL be uncomfortable and may turn her off from wanting to use it again.

One interesting thing I've discovered:  as a woman in my forties, I have had some lubrication issues at times, which can occasionally make penetration uncomfortable, or even downright painful.  If hubby gets me going to the point of being able to get the dildo inside me comfortably, then by using that on me for a while, bringing me to orgasm usually at least once, then there is no discomfort when he enters me himself.  Win-win.

There are many other toys available for couples to use to enhance their sexual experiences.  Since I have learned how important it is to communicate, I always say that it's good for a couple to go to a sex shop together and browse.  If you don't have one close to you, get on the Internet together and talk about what toys turn you on and why.  Hubby and I had talked about BBC dildos because of a thread on blacktowhite, which is why he bought me one.  It's important to have a feel for what your partner would like before you just go out and buy something.  (Some of those things are too expensive to buy, hoping that she'll be amenable to the idea.)

There are so many other things that could be discussed on this topic, but I will close for now, and just wish you all happy playtime, with whatever toy(s) you choose.

Cheers,

MB

Colour... Does it really matter?

I know this entry will probably cause some differences of opinion, and that's ok.  Please know that I am simply expressing my own opinion, how I think and feel.  You certainly do have the right to your own opinion.  That is the joy of living in a free country, as I am blessed to do, thanks to my grandfather, uncles and all the others who fought for our right to express ourselves freely.

Does colour matter?  To me, honestly, not at all.  I may be a white woman, married to a white man, and involved in a physical relationship with a black man (with my husband's full blessing), but colour really doesn't matter to me.

I was raised to believe that no one is superior or inferior to anyone, that we are all equal, regardless of race or religion.  I judge a person based on who they are on the inside, not based on skin colour or religion, or any other physical attribute, for that matter.  I have friends of all colours, religions, shapes, sizes and sexual preferences.

Am I attracted to black men?  Yes.  Am I likewise attracted to white men?  Yes.  My attraction to a man is based on the man himself, how he makes me feel.  Black men do tend to have a very attractive confidence about them.  Some may call it swagger.  I know my Latino friends have that as well.  But that isn't the only factor, not by any means.  It's all part of the exquisitely complex formula that makes up sexual attraction.  And the fun, yet also frustrating, thing is that it's totally different for each of us.

I am a member of interracial sites not because I am "black only", as some women are. Rather, I'm a member because I fully support the right of every man and woman to choose a partner, for whatever type of relationship they may want, based on their own formula of attraction, and independent of skin colour.  We are all made of skin, bone, muscle and blood, no matter what colour we are.  We all have hopes, dreams, aspirations, fears, successes, failures.  For crying out loud, people, it's 2013, not the 1950s.  Can't we all just get along?  Live and let live?

Cheers,

MB

A contribution from a friend - OldSchoolPlayer25

Many thanks to my friend OSP25 for his thoughtful contribution to my new venture.  :-)

COMING OUT

Recently we witnessed the ‘coming out’ of a black gay basketball player for the Boston Celtics, Jason Williams. The world of media was all atwitter on his courage to make the decision to be honest about his life.

In a lot of ways, his struggle with ‘coming out’ is not unlike a lot of us in this country still hamstrung with race and ethnicity. During the last 40 years there has been a change in attitudes and a broader acceptance of Interracial Relationships, with the media, movies, print media, advertising all crossing multi-cultural lines.

For adults of a certain age, the demarcation line was clear and distinct. One did not cross over to another race for any type of relationship which might lead to a couple sharing a life or starting a family. The social costs were heavy and peer pressure was difficult to overcome on both sides.

We fast forward to 2013 and the genie is out the bottle. Men of color, women of European heritage, and vice versa, now freely embark on the voyage of life regardless of the color of their partner's skin. Albeit in a lot of these relationships, it is purely for the exploration of one’s sexual adventures and fun.For a lot of us, this is not a bad goal at all.

We have IR dating sites, adult entertainment with an emphasis on IR, resorts specializing in IR fun, and various other venues. As the lady said in the movie,The Group -“who would’ve thunk.”

For women of European heritage, the taboo is nowremoved. Yes, they still need to make good decisions in the men they choose, but society no longer lookscross-eyed as they once did when a mixed couple entered a restaurant or other venue. For Black Men, who were products of the 60’s and 70’s immersed in the Black Consciousness permeating the communities, the pressure to socialize only with Black women is now over. The pressure from families and friends, to encourage relationships only with Black women is finally removed. Black men, particularly the younger men (20’s and 30s), have numerous opportunities to interact with whomever they choose and not be limited to only one flavor.

It still boils down to the right chemistry for either party, though.  No amount of blond or brunette hair,blue or green eyes will make up for a personality deficit, and the same goes for the hunky chiseled Tyrese wannabe who can’t conjugate a verb or hasnever read a book. My observation of mixed couples,whether they be fully committed and married or a casual relationship with the right amount of sexual chemistry, is that the basic components have to be a mutual understanding of their common goals and common values.

IR is the next wave sweeping the country, however, it is diminished considerably if the White ladies reflect only a black mandingo mentality, and the Brothers of Beta Beta Chi (BBC) show a lack of respect for the women. This social contract between the two communities should be adhered to as best as possible to enhance and encourage others to move to the new environment. It will enhance the IR activities of any new couples and encourage participants, particularly women looking for a broader social experience.

There is a significant difference in the attitudes of women moving to the IR arena. My information is anecdotal only, but in observing and communicating with the ones I have met, either married, or single and exploring, they exhibit an openness in communicating, an adventurous and curious spirit, and a willingness to move beyond society’s restraints.  My attitude is they should be commended and respected.

The title of my contribution is called “Coming Out”. For me, I was quite surprised how the website BlacktoWhite.net, allowed me to reflect on my narrow view of women as partners. After being in the rodeo (marriage + kids) a couple of times and reflecting why I consistently tried to please my segment of society (African American parents, friends, social set) with a “right on sister” who I then found didn’t share my vision or values, I found that,as Dr. King said, “it’s not the color of the skin, but the content of the character”. So now I have Come Out, after living the lie of only trying to connect with a segment who really didn’t “get” me. Yes, Black women don’t always connect with Black Men as perceived in our society. Without the right chemistry those unions don’t necessarily work. IR is not the panacea for happiness either. The real secret to successful IR unions whether they be short term or long is finding that right partner to enjoy that ride called life.

So my thanks to BtW for making me wake up andhave the courage to admit something I secretly admired for a long time: that I like having an Interracial Relationship, whether it be of a short duration, or a long term commitment. I will know she and I share a common vision and common values. Also we just like knocking each other’s boots.

Good luck to all as they make the journey.  As the old man said in the Indiana Jones movie: "Choose wisely"

OldSchoolPlayer25

Finding that connection

As I have mentioned, I was brought up to be a "good girl".  At times, I almost had the feeling that sex, and sexual desire, was bad.  Now that I have some years of life under my belt, I am learning that sexual desire is very much a good thing.  However, that doesn't mean that I will "share my goodies" with just anyone.  I certainly don't feel that I speak for every woman but, for me, there needs to be a connection beyond just the physical.  I want to be able to carry on a conversation with a guy who is going to share a bed with me.  If we can't enjoy each other's company over a cup of coffee, then chances are the sex will be empty.  After all, if you don't want to talk to each other, then the time "in between" would be very awkward.

Obviously, being married, I'm not looking for the type of connection that leads to commitment.  I have no intention of dumping my loving, wonderful husband and best friend for someone else.  And I make that clear from the start.  What I am looking for is to just be able to enjoy the non-sexual part of our time together, as well as the sexual.  And that kind of rapport allows me to build up the trust I need to have to put myself in a situation where I am potentially vulnerable.  

I think that, for me, part of it stems from still having some body image problems after my weight loss.  As long as the clothes are on, and can hide the flaws, I'm confident.  But showing my naked body to someone other than my husband  has always made me nervous.  The weight loss has resulted in lots of excess skin, and therefore lots of sag.  To me, it's not a pretty picture, and not sexy.  My fear would be to get to a point with a guy where we're getting naked, and he gets totally turned off by my body.  I guess, by  establishing a connection with him, I'm attempting to make sure that he is going to be able to look past the physical flaws and accept me as the woman he has gotten to know.  

I know there are women who don't even care to know anything about the guy before they get physical with them.  I don't judge anyone for what they feel comfortable or uncomfortable doing.  But that's not me.  And any guy who can't accept that I need some time to feel comfortable with him isn't the kind of guy I will end up sharing a bed with.  Just saying.  And, when I feel that connection and I'm looking in my lover's eyes during the throes of passion, things get incredibly intense and hot.  So, for me, it's both a necessity and a benefit to have that connection.

If you need that connection, like I do, don't settle.  When it happens, it's worth the wait, and worth sorting through the chaff to get to the wheat.

Cheers, 

Mari

Fantasy vs reality

Ahhhhh, fantasy!  It's a wonderful thing, isn't it?  It's what gets me through my work week, or sometimes even just workDAY.  Seeing my desk full of stuff that all needs my attention yesterday, I drift off momentarily to my beautiful Caribbean island, where the only thing that anyone wants of me is my next drink order.   Ahhhh, heaven!  And then the reality of my boss breathing down my neck returns me to reality like a splash of freezing cold water.  Oh well.

I have discovered that fantasy plays a huge part in IR interactions on the 'Net.  So far, I am still fairly new to the real-life aspect of IR, but some of the fantasies are pretty "out there", to my mind.  Sometimes, I read some of the postings and think "If this is really what's it's like, then I don't belong here!"  I was always raised to be a "good girl", and I know my mother was upset with me that I moved in with my boyfriend before we got married, because "good girls didn't do that!"  So, my fantasies always tended to be more along the lines of Harlequin Romance.  So, it was a huge eye-opener to read postings by women who say they want to be raped by several men, or postings by white men who say that they really want their wife to be gang-banged and left pregnant to carry a black baby.  Now, I'm not saying that there aren't real people who have fantasies like this, but wow!  Nothing like that had ever entered my stream of consciousness!

Even when I have had an IR experience, I have always had to let reality seep in.  Condoms.  As much as I was really into the sexual experience, and would have loved to feel my lover bare inside me, I had to realize the risks.  Every person we are with, unprotected, could have been given something by a previous lover that we wouldn't appreciate being passed on to us.  Because, even if their former lovers all said they were clean, one of their previous lovers could have lied to them.  And thus, something is started that you will then have to deal with.  So, personally, I always feel that it's better to play safe, at least until real trust is built up.  Others may feel differently.  In fact, if you go by postings, my concern for safety seems to be in the minority.  But, ultimately, I would rather let a bit of reality creep into my fantasy than have to spend a lifetime living a reality I would rather not be living.  And, if a guy doesn't respect me enough to care for my health as much as I do, then he's not someone I feel comfortable sharing a bedroom romp with.

With my last lover, though, he talked about filling me with his seed, to overflowing, while he was inside me, and I loved the fantasy of that, knowing that he was wearing a condom, and we could still be safe while enjoying the fantasy.  Sex, to me, is 90% what goes on between the ears, and 10% physical.  So, I still got my fantasy.  And it was oh, so good.    :-)

Welcome to my world!

Hi, and welcome to Girl Talk with Mariposa Blanca!  (But, guys, you are certainly welcome, too!)

If you have just kind of stumbled onto this blog, please be advised that this blog will get deeply into talk about sex, particularly interracial sex, so if that topic makes you uncomfortable, please feel free to leave.

This first entry is just to get me started, kind of getting my feet wet, so please bear with me.  I am hopeful things will get more interesting as we go along.  LOL

This blog idea all started with one of my friends from a site I am on telling me that I really need to write a blog, especially for women who are trying to find their way in the InterRacial (commonly known as IR) Lifestyle. The site we "met" on can be rather intimidating, with all of the various "personalities" on there. There are black men, white men, white women, mix of married and single.  I don't think I've ever seen a black woman on there, though.  HOWEVER... as is typical for the internet, there are a lot of people who aren't what they pretend to be. The guys who say they're white usually are.  However, any other profiles can be hit and miss when it comes to the truth.

The black guys (known as BBC - and not because they are associated with the British Broadcasting Corporation - LOL) may or may not be Big or Black.  There have been many profiles sporting a picture of either a very handsome black face, a big black cock, or a strong black body.  These profiles do not all belong to black guys.  Many pics are stolen from porn websites and used to make the women think that the guy is black.  I always figure that if a guy is posting stolen pictures, he's probably white, in his 60s, with a potbelly and a combover.  My suggestion to a new person coming on the site is always to verify the person you want to get to know better, ESPECIALLY if you think you may want to meet them.  If you have Skype, that's a good way.  But, please, be careful.  Create a Skype account that can't be used to locate you or put you in any danger.  There are weird people out there in Internet Land.  One of my friends has actually been stalked, so please, again, be careful!

The white men tend to be Cuckolds (known as Cucks).  Not all, but most.  They tend to really want their wives or girlfriends to "be blacked", as they say.   Personally, I think they should be talking to their wives or girlfriends about their fantasies, but I am very much a proponent of open communication between partners. If their wife/girlfriend doesn't know what they are thinking, then that is a red flag in itself.  NO RELATIONSHIP can last without open, honest communication!!

The female profiles can also be suspect.  Some of us are real, 100% women.  Others may be female, but not look like what their picture shows.  Yet others are gay men, who simply want pictures from the BBCs who, for the most part, will jump on any posting from a female who advertises herself as young, pretty and hot for a BBC.  Granted, that isn't the way all the guys are.  Some of the guys actually know how to approach a woman from an intellectual standpoint, rather than just saying "I got a BBC that needs a white woman to ride it.  How about it?" before they even get to know you.  As a woman who is still kind of shy and reserved, and who hasn't had that many sexual partners in her whole life, that kind of approach is appreciated.

Anyway, that's what I have learned in the few months I have been on an IR website.

Now, a bit about me.  As I said, I'm kind of shy and reserved, so I won't be putting a picture of myself up, but I will be totally honest about my experiences.  I am real, live woman, in my mid-40s, married for almost 20 years to my first love.  I never had many boyfriends in high school or university, was always too busy studying.  Also, I was overweight, so I never really got that much attention from guys.  A few years ago, I wound up losing quite a bit of weight, and gained quite a bit of self-confidence.  I started wondering what I had missed out on when I was younger.

There was a guy who started flirting with me while I was on vacation with a girlfriend of mine, and he kissed me and told me I was beautiful and desirable and he wanted me.  I kissed him back, but could not take it any further.  My conscience just wouldn't let me.  After I got home, though, I told my husband everything that happened and my reaction to it.  Amazingly, I have a terrific husband who loves me to bits, and was not in the least threatened by this.  Instead, he understood why I was curious and told me that if I wanted to explore my "naughty side", that I had his permission and blessing to do so.  He knows that, at the end of the day, it's him I've chosen to grow old with.

So, now, I am involved in a couple of IR sites and have met a few guys from there, most just for coffee and chats.  I happened on the sites just by chance, through Google, and it has been quite the eye-opening experience, both from reading the forums and getting to know some of the folks on there, either through chatting online or meeting in person.

I'm honestly not sure where this blog will lead.  I don't even know if people will actually be interested in what I might find to say.  But it's here if you're interested, and I will add more as I can.

Looking forward to walking my new path together with some new friends.

Cheers,

Mari