Through another's eyes

I did not grow up feeling that I was beautiful.  I didn't even feel I was pretty.  I grew up hearing stuff like "oh, if you only lost weight, you'd be pretty".  Well, by the time I lost weight, my self-image was pretty much ingrained in me.  Thinking of myself as pretty, or, God forbid, sexy, was something that didn't happen very often, even at the lower weight.

I felt lucky (and still do) to have met and attracted a wonderful guy who has loved me through all my various sizes.  But that, in itself, has its own pitfalls.  I know he loves me.  He tells me so.  He also tells me I'm beautiful, and still wolf whistles at me after all these years.  And part of me does truly believe him.  But part of me is also saying to that insecure little girl inside, "He only says that because he loves the inside you, your heart.  He doesn't see the outer packaging anymore."  And so, it has been very interesting, yet also somewhat overwhelming, to be told by other men, who are not emotionally invested in me, and are judging me strictly by that outward appearance, that I am not only reasonably attractive, but also sexy and, yes, I have even heard the word beautiful.  Oh, how I am trying to be able to see myself through their eyes, as well as the eyes of my loving hubby.

I have recently had a new guy come in to my life, and our connection on a casual basis has lead to us taking things further and connecting on a sexual basis.  Thus far, the guys I have wound up "exploring my naughty side" with have all been much younger than me and that has, at times, served simply to reinforce my feelings of inadequacy, shall we say.  This guy is closer to my age, and we have very similar outlooks on many things.  He also happens to write sexy blog entries about his encounters with the various women he has had "adventures" with.  And, yes, he did write about us getting together, in detail.  

I will admit to being very nervous about reading the entry, when he emailed me to tell me he had posted it.  I knew that he seemed to be relatively attracted to me, and he had seemed to enjoy our time together.  But, let's face it, what someone says and what they actually feel can often be two very different things, especially if they're trying to be kind to you.  (Can you tell that I've had a few situations where the guy wasn't exactly Scout's Honour honest with me?)  So, with a bit of trepidation, I clicked the link that would expose to me how he "really" felt about the time we spent together enjoying each other's bodies and company.  And I was incredibly reassured to read that all of the signals I was getting were exactly as they seemed to be.  He even called me "hot"!  :-)  And he wanted to be with me again.  It's really not that I didn't believe what he had told me verbally, but any seed of doubt was unequivocally erased by reading his version of our hours together.  How often do you have the luxury of reliving a shared sexual experience through your partner's perspective?  I have to say that it was a pretty wild experience ... Both times ;-)

Yes, we are getting together again, in a few weeks.  And yes, I will meet him this time with greater confidence than I had before.  And maybe, just maybe, I am that much closer to being able to actually see myself "through another's eyes".  (I know he will read this at some point, so "thank you"). ;-)